Perfect Illusionist

Am I just a charity case...?

2009-08-01T02:18:00.001-07:00

Am I just a charity case...?

Am I just a joke?

A thing...a toy for people to laugh at?

I want to believe so much that there is some good left in this world. That someone out there would actually love me for who I am and would look pass on what I am. I've been played, used and lied to so many times. But isn't it the same for everyone? Shouldn't we suffer a little for a greater happiness in the future?
Is it wrong for me to want to feel happy?

Stop trying to tell me the things I already know.
I know I'm an eyesore and that no one will probably want me and that I may one day live alone or even die young. But for a second of my miserable and hated life, can I not feel happy? Let me live while I still have the chance to. I don't need your hurtful words on the truth that I already know. Let me be happy even if it doesn't lasts. I just want to be happy even if it means I live a lie because I know dreams are much better than reality and in that dream I can live without tears.
Can't you just accept that?

Can't anyone just accept me for who I am?
Am I not enough of a decent person? Am I not friendly enough or nice enough? Am I not beautiful enough? Words can hurt me when they are the same words that have been repeated over and over again throughout my entire life.

"You're fat and ugly."

Is it so wrong to be who I am? Is it so wrong to be what I am?
Am I that much of an eyesore and a burden to this world?
Playing jokes on me and toy with my feelings then telling me I'm not worth anything.
Why?
Why do this to me?
What have I ever done to anyone or the world to deserve this kind of treatment from the world?
Passing judgement on me based on my weight and my looks when they know nothing about me. Push me around, tease me and hate on me when I've done nothing wrong. Taking pleasure in my tears, suffering and solitude as a source of entertainment when all I've done is be who I am.

"How am I suppose to believe I'm worth something when I'm told 50 different times a day that I'm not?"

Rant rant rant and cursings...

2009-07-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm gonna rant on some pointless shit that you guys don't probably care about but I don't give a shit cause this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. So shut up and read.

Alright.

As you all know, I'm currently studying in Sunway College and also staying in a hostel called Sun-U residence. Everything has been going pretty great. I made friends and classes are hard but I'm surviving. But that's not what I want to rant about today. I'm going to freaking tell you guys how many fucking times I got called EMO here. Yea, I got called bloody emo pretty much every single day I'm here. Even on the week of my orientation I got a few people coming up to me and just flat out ask me, "Are you emo?" then I would respond with "No..." and then they would say "Well, you look pretty emo to me..". I simply didn't really give a fuck about that but there was one time that when I passed this group of boys they laughed at me. Naturally I would avoid conflict but I was already frustrated enough that day. So I turned to them and ask what was their problem with me. And they responded with "Do you have a razor blade? Do you cut yourself emo girl, huh?" and laughed. Oh come on! That's a little immature, don't ya think? A little pathetic even.

Okay you ignorant motherfuckers.
Listen to me.
Emo is not a word, alright?
If you guys are smart fuckers you would know that there's no such word. It doesn't even exist in the bloody dictionary, alright? So it's not a word. I know 'emotional' and the bird 'emu'. Even if you wanna use the term 'emo' don't use it to label someone's dress code, you losers. Just because people like dark make-up and likes a certain type of hairstyle and clothes, it doesn't necessarily make one an 'emo'. I think that emo is more suitable for people who are very emotional even then it needs to be categorized and said the right way where it makes sense. Like when your friend is acting suicidal you can say that person is an emo because she is being emotional, okay? But here, I get constantly abused with the word emo on a daily basis because of the way I dress and look.

HELLO!
Emo is not a fashion sense you dimwitted bimbos!
It's just a label that people use to stereotype people into a certain group. For example preps, jocks and nerds. Those are commonly used terms to stereotype people. Instead of making a hasty generalization, why don't you twits understand the word properly first and think about it before saying it which might still make you look like a complete idiot in the end anyway because you're just being stupidly rude. So get this through you're ridiculously thick and empty skulls, okay?

I'M NOT EMO!
Understand it. Memorize it. Motherfucking eat it, you assholes.

Okay, enough about that.
Here's a recent shot of me in my hostel room.

I know you can't see much of the room but that's pretty much my side of the room. Oh yea and you guys can see my new hair! Well, not really but basically I've taken out my extensions and cut it short with bangs over my eyes sweeping right.
And yes, I have a room mate.
Alright. That's all, ya'll.
Catch ya cool cats latuhzz!!

HELP ME & HELP THE ELEPHANTS!!

2009-07-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ohmygod!
Guys if you love me please read this and sign it.
Help out the elephants.
If you do it I'll love forever and EVER! (maaaaaybe ;p)

https://secure.peta.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=2359

CLICK IT AND HELP THESE POOR CREATURES!

La La updates! And lip piercings?

2009-07-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's seems like forever since I made an update but really, it hasn't been forever has it? I have absolutely no idea why you weirdos like to even come here and read about my ridiculously-boring updates on my life. But to satisfy you're never ending requests, here's an update for you guys.

Okay, so as all of you know, I changed my hair(so maybe not all of you if you don't have my myspace). Again.

Yes people!
Since I'm done with highschool, I can do whatever the shit I want with my hair and no one can say anything about it. So, HAH!

Thinking about redying my whole hair red and my bags blue but still can't find the hair dye. Yes, I want to dye it myself. Ya know, in shops they never sell any other hair dye colour except for natural colours. It's driving me insane trying to find the colours of the rainbow. Yes, people. Don't be shocked if one day you see me with rainbow hair. Like the skittles says, TASTE THE RAINBOW! Oh yea, and can anyone tell me where to find bleach. I wanna bleach my hair myself cause doing it in salons cost a load of cash and I'm all about saving now cause of my family's financial crisis at the moment. It's all about "Doing it myself" now! Wooo!

Oh and I'm also thinking about getting the left side of my lower lip pierced/snake bites. Write a comment or whatever telling me which one is better. Oh and maybe try and help me to figure out how to hide it from my parents too.

So yea, that's all.
I have classes to get to.
TOODLE LOO!

Busy busy busy...!

2009-07-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Alright guys, I'm in college now and classes have already started.
I've already moved into my college hostel which is Sun-U residence and I'll be staying there for 8-10months according to my course.
I'll only be coming back on the weekends and I don't have internet connection up in my hostel room. Right now I'm using the library computer but I can't stay long. So, there will be less updates from me because I'll be pretty busy with college assignments, classes and exams.
So please don't bug me for updates.
If I have time I'll make one.
For those who want to know how I am doing or what I'm up to, then just text me alright. You guys have my number and you can find out what I'm up to 24/7 if you wanted to.
Okay, that's all!
See you guys soon~

So here it is...

2009-07-01T21:59:00.001-07:00

Okay so this is so people would motherfucking stop asking me because it gets kind of annoying.
So listen people.
I will be entering college on the 6th July and I will be doing a course called Monash University Foundation year in Sunway college.
It's a 8-10months long course considering if I pass all my subjects.
I haven't gotten a hostel yet because the hostel I wanted haven't got any rooms available yet but I am on they're waiting list. However, I will have to drive back and forth from my house to college until then which is such a bother because it's an hour drive and that doesn't include for when there is traffic.
If you want more information on my course, go here (http://www.sunway.edu.my/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=679&Itemid=552&lang=iso-8859-1).
It really kind of annoys me that people keep asking me constantly about it.
And for those who I have already told to, there's your answer, again.
So yea.

Wish me luck guys!

Why is that...?

2009-06-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Why is that every minute of every hour of every day, my thoughts are filled with you?
Why is that when you're away I keep hearing your voice calling my name?
Why is that everywhere I look, I see your face as clear as day in my mind filling my heart with longing for you?
Why is that I fall deeper and deeper in love with you when I know I can't have you?
Why is that when I know the consequences of falling for you and heartbreak I will go through, I still want to be with you?
But everytime I try to stop myself those simple words that you keep telling me would ring loudly in my head.

"You are beautiful."

Those three simple words have gotten me spellbound to you.
Why is that...?

We'll love you forever and ever.

2009-06-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Even though you were very energetic that tire us to the bone, seeking attention from each and every one of us you were nothing more than precious to us.

Your F1 engine purring each time you lunge at a non moving object and hit the wall, made us laugh continuously which made us love you even more.

When you knock over things and scratch our skin then stare at us with those big round yellow eyes of yours made us think how adorable you are and the anger would fade away.

When we took care of you when you were sick and you looked at us with those painful eyes made us cry and our hearts ached for you.

Your white and orange coat warm against my skin when we slept on the floor of the karaoke room together as I hear you purring while you slept made me smile with compassion and nothing but love for you.

Rest.In.Peace

My dear beautiful, Landi.

Sleep well in the heavens above where the Ligth would always welcome you in its warm embrace. But please remember how much me and all of us loved you until the very end. Never will I forget the love you gave us and in heaven you rest, wait for me.

Because one day, I know I will see you again.

I love you, Landi. Forever.

And I'm back!

2009-06-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!
My internet is back on in my house and sorry for the delays in my update.
I'm gonna make this post short and today's post is about....

...this boy right here. Isn't he gorgeous?

No.
He's not from some famous band or a singer or actor or whatever.
I actually know him.
Yes, ladies an gentlemen.
I know this boy and he's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me because for once in my life, I actually feel beautiful. He's so awesome and he doesn't even know it. Even though we'll never be together but he's the most important person in my life. All I can say is that, I have hopelessly fallen for him.

THE END!

Internet Crisis!

2009-06-07T20:46:00.001-07:00

Sorry guys but I won't be abole to update every week because due to a lightning storm that hit my neighbourhood has caused some damages to my internet connection at home.
We have tried calling several computer shops to come over and have a look but there's nothing wrong with my computer instead it was the phone line. My parents have contacted the Telekom but so far they haven't gotten back to us yet.
I apologize to all my readers for not updating.
Until I get my internet back up at home I'll have more time for updates.
Currently, I've been using the computer at my dad's office but I haven't been able to stay online for very long.

Sorry guys.
I'll see you soon!

Timeless Loneliness

2009-05-22T09:25:00.001-07:00

I seek sanctuary.

From what?

Myself.

Everyone is in danger with themselves. Everyone is at war with themselves as they fight for the right to be who they are. But really, ask yourselves right now.

Who are you?

There is a saying that says "Who knows you better in this world then yourself" , but do you really? Do you really know who you are? When you stare at yourself in the mirror, is that person inside of the glass staring back is you? To comprehend who you are and to understand what you've become is two different things. Have you once, tried being someone else? I'm sure everyone does because we are the imperfect whos trying to be perfect. But, have you gone to the point where you no longer know who you are? To not know who you are is like disappearing from the world, painfully slow. When you yourself don't know who you are, how can anyone else know you?

They don't.

So, I just wanna make something clear to each and every one of you.
You don't know me. How can you when I don't even know who I am? Sure, I'm nice to everyone I meet and if you think I'm warming up to you then you're wrong. DEAD WRONG. Don't even try to get to know me because I have a way of disappointing people so you'd just be wasting your time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you all should stay away from me. I'm just saying don't try to understand me if you don't want to be dragged into this malevolent chaotic yet empty world of mine.

I'm your friend, yes. But are you mine? You are? Really? What do you know about me? What do you understand about me? Ask yourself that.

P/S: Don't take what I said personally. I was just bored.

Lookie look!

2009-05-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's a picture of my hair again.
It isn't exactly clear but I think it's clearer than the previous one.
Full view of my extensions and brand new hoodie too.

I'm just that pathetic.

2009-05-14T04:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'll tell you guys something completely random and yet something that is very important about me. I don't know if you guys think it's important but whatever. I'm just gonna tell you so, shut up and read. Or just press the bloody 'x' button cause frankly I don't give two shits about what you people think, alright?

So here's the deal.
I'm sick of relationships. Yes, I am completely tired of them.
They have done nothing to me but left me heart broken in the end. Yea yea, we heard all the crap that love is hard and that you have to go through a few bad relationships to find 'The One'. But frankly, I think I've got enough disappoiment and heart ache to last me a life time. So supposedly, I'm on a relationship break right now to clear my head and just have some fun being single. That's what I've been telling my friends and myself, time and time again. But the truth is, I want to be desperately and hopelessly in love with someone. Yes, I know. I'm so goddamned pathetic but that is the cold hard truth. I've only realized it about two days ago.

How?

Well, most of my friends right now are in relationships. No, seriously. I think about 91% of my friends have a special someone with them right now. And I don't know why but I get really jealous when my friends are hanging out with me and then their boyfriend/girlfriend calls them. Then they start talking all lovey-dovey right next to me and I'll just be standing there with my hands across my chest and rolling my eyes at every "I love you more" that comes out after every each sentence. Yea, I know I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but how can I not when my friends are like standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Oh and I get really pissed off when my friends tell me stories or something about their special partner to me. It's like "Bitch, I don't care" but you don't say that cause that would be mean. So I just sit there and smile. Not to say pissed off about it exactly, but just irritated. Why? Because I get really frustrated that they're so happy being in love and I hate the fact that I DON'T HAVE A SPECIAL SOMEONE! It just kills me. I know I should be happy for my friends but the sad truth is, I hate it. I hate seeing them so happy and so in love while I'm just miserably trying to pretend that I'm happy being single when I'm actually not.

I'm like everybody else.
I want to be loved by a special someone.
To be held and to be loved by him.
I wanna hear him say 'I love you' and mean it with all his heart.

It's true that I am sick of relationships because I've been lied to, used and cheated on way too many times to mention. I don't know how many times and how much I've cried over a boy. It's my own fault because I wear my heart on my sleeve and people tend to take advantage of that.

When I go out, I see couples walk hand in hand with each other with their faces lit with such joy and serenity that it makes me envious and jealous of them at the same time. Watching all this sappy love stories makes me wonder if I'll ever find Mr Right who would love me so much like the characters in those movies.

It's so wonderful and so frustrating to be in love.
So I want to be in love but I don't want to be in love at the same time.
But I think I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I'm confused cause I lie to myself all the time. So laugh at me all you want. You guys can just freakin shove your fucked up faces up your ass cause really, I don't care.

Sorry!

2009-05-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

Okay.
Hey guys!
Sorry about not updating lately. It's not because I didn't want to but seriously, nothing exciting ever happens in my life so there isn't really much to tell. My life right now is pretty much very very boring. But people have been bugging me to update this blog so here it is then. I'll try to update more often with the so called 'EXCITING' things that happen in my life okay.

Oh, just an extra info.
I bought hair extensions. Yes. Shocking.
I was just thinking that waiting for my hair to grow back is just way too long and frankly, I'm not as patient as everyone seem to think I am. Well, not about this issue anyway.

So here's a picture of me sporting my new look.

Yea, the pink hair extensions looks really fake, I know.
But the brown base looks real enough. I know this picture isn't clear enough for you guys to see but unfortunately, I lost my samsung flip phone so I bought a new NSeries Nokia phone which has a secondary camera which sucks ass. However, I will try to get a decent picture of me soon.

Well, that's it for now I guess.
See ya guys till the next update!

The Siren

2009-01-11T05:40:00.000-08:00

The sound of a siren’s song,
Echoes in the dark of the night,
Silent and soothing flowing in perfect harmony,
Reaching out to the lone and crying.

Silent notes floating in the air,
Taking flight to those who will it,
Numbing their hearts as lifeless dolls,
Entrapping every essence of they’re suffering souls.

There she stands,
Ready to steal your soul,
Be wary for she is not the beauty of the night,
Within lies of the eyes she confide.

Illusions will darken your mind,
Lies in her beauty she manipulates,
Bending and twisting hearts that cry,
Embracing pleasure as they slowly die.

Be fooled not by false beauty,
For if the will is inside there is a way,
Find the light that will fight,
Use the eyes of truth to see which is wrong and right.

If one’s heart is true and just,
There is always hope in the darkest hour,
Defy her lies and look beyond beauty,
There you will see her true identity.

Do not be cruel,
But to instead listen with the heart,
She too cries in despair,
Her heart is broken beyond all repair.

Another victim of failed love,
Still searching and waiting,
As the legends and the folklore,
She await his return on the ocean shore.

Never moving or aging,
Deprived from life and time,
Immortalized by the love that dwells within her,
There she waits patiently forever.

Written by Me on 11/1/2009

My thanks and loves.

2008-12-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

SPM is over and I don’t know how I feel right now.

I don’t feel ‘free’ as some people might be after SPM. I mean, we have struggled for five long years to prepare ourselves for this moment and waiting until you’re free from high school but…I feel somewhat sad, really.

Sri Inai is closing down but oddly, I’m not sad about it.
Everyone else was crying but I didn’t. Yes, it sounds like I don’t have a heart but it wasn’t the school that I will miss. Sure, Sri Inai changed me but not entirely.

When my mum first offered to send me to Sekolah Sri Inai Kuala Lumpur at Ulu Klang, I was a little scared. I admit it because I will be entering a whole different atmosphere with it being a private school and all.
I was reluctant at first of course, because I was afraid of having to start all over again. I was so afraid that I would become invisible and being thrown as an outcast.
Trust me; it happens quite frequently in my life.

My first day, I was so nervous and I was so scared.
But then I found, you guys.

Ashley, Aween, Nick, Nissa and Roslyn.

Even though we didn’t get along so much at first but you guys have been with me for five years straight in that school. You made my time in Sri Inai worth it. Even though the school is shutting down, I have absolutely no regrets.
I had so much fun with you guys.

Ashley
Even though you might be a little bitchy, but I couldn’t ask for a better friend than you.
You’re beautiful and one of the nicest people I have ever met.
Don’t ever change because I love you just the way you are, m’dear.

Aween
Bubbly little Winnie the Pooh.
Even if we didn’t click so much in the beginning but in the end you ended up becoming one of the closest friend I have.
You’re wacky and creative ways got me hooked on you.
You put colour into my life and I will always treasure our memories together.

Nick

We use to be the worst of enemies and I hated you so much for calling me names.
You bullied me constantly but look at us now!
Best of friends.
You’re the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for.
I forgive you for all the bad things you did to me in the past because a friend like you, I don’t ever want to lose.

Nissa
The weird chicken clucking and blow fish lip girl.
You have one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard. You’re a lady in every way and you have the beauty that men go crazy for to match it.
Every boy on Earth is envious of me and why?

Because I have you and they don’t.

Roslyn
Ah….my little bubbly shortcake.
You make everyone smile by just entering the room.
You add sugar and spice into my life. You make everything sound so exciting that I could talk with you for hours.
You’re one of my dearest friends and I will always want to keep you close to me.

Every one you have made such an impact and difference in my life. I’m so thankful to have met all five of you because you’ve all given me so much even by just doing little things like hugging me or sending me text messages.

I have been an outcast and a freak all my life but you guys made me fit in. You guys accepted me for who I am. You’ve changed me so much and I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you guys. I feel so lucky and blessed to have met all of you.

I'll miss every single one of you.

You guys will always remain in my heart and memory.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
Always and forever.

The Concept on Vampires

2008-11-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

What exactly are 'Vampires'?

Well, I find the concept of vampires interesting because of how they traded their lives in return for immortality from the Devil.
But to obtain that immortality they have to drink blood from the mortals. I like the fact how the Devil have twisted the mortal's greed for ultimate power and life towards his advantage. It makes the Devil's job a lot easier.

And yes, I would like to be turned into a vampire.
You may think it’s odd or morbid of me to want something like that but I can assure you that’s it's not for the beauty that some of you fictionalize about vampires.
I want to see and feel what's it's like to live forever.
I know drinking the blood of the innocent is wrong but I want to live to see what the world have become in the near future and how much things have changed.

And after all...

Wisdom comes with Age.

I won't be proud however, for all the bad deeds that I will cause but I'm willing to go through it all. I also want to have the power to rid the world of wrong doers and purify all evil that has been growing vigorously after all these years.
The world of governments and politics disgusts me because they are the reason why the world have become so corrupted and they will be the reason for humanity’s downfall.
I would be amazed and shocked if I were to see a vampire. Of course it's only natural that I would feel fear towards them but I want to understand their world better.
I want to know of their history.
Why and how they came to be.
It interests me and I want to know more.

We should not limit our mind and thoughts from what information or truth that the world may hold for us. To let one be so open to such truth is how we can obtain true wisdom and understanding.

I loathe the fact that most people think that vampires are beautiful creatures with such godly features that one could almost say that even the Gods are envious of them.

Ridiculous!

How can you fictionalize something that you have not even seen visually yourself and feed a pack full of lies to other people about something that haven’t even been proven yet?
The ‘Twilight Series’ has made vague image of how vampires may look like but why must it be to the point where they are so breath taking that even the light from the sun bounces off their chest as to equivalent to their so called ‘Angelic’ features.

I have nothing against the Twilight Series, of course.
It’s one of the best books that I’ve read so far but I feel that I must express my views on how ridiculous Stephenie Meyer made vampires look like.
Vampires are condemned mortal’s that have given their lives to the devil in trade for immortality to satisfying their never ending greed for power.
They kill, drink blood and probably have one of the most manipulative minds to seduce their prey into succumbing, and bending their prey to their every pleasurable yet terrifying will.

Some say they are fallen angels but are you sure they are not demons?

It sickens me how the truth about vampires have been twisted by others into something that is completely delusional and ridiculous.

My concept on a vampire's appearances however, are quite blur. I would love to find that information out myself. But I suppose, that will only happen in my dreams.

But that's alright.

It keeps me guessing and wondering about the mysteries of this world.

What is the truth and what is fictional?

What is right and what is wrong?

Who knows?

It always remains a mystery.

Great Day

2008-10-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my god!

The girl scouts group threw the Form 5’s a farewell party yesterday!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…!!
I feel so happy right now that I wanna jump up and down, and SCREAM!

So, yesterday morning only six of us came to school which were me, Roslyn, Ashley, Sharmila, Aween and Nabila. Well, we have a very small class.

It’s sad, I know.

After the school’s assembly, Dayang gave out invitations to the six of us saying that there will be a farewell party held in the school cafeteria at 3.00pm.

And, oh my god!

You know what?

The invitation cards were handmade!
Honestly, they were the sweetest things ever.

Here are pictures of mine.

(Yea, I was invited!)

(Geez...people still call me that.)

Alright.
So I was pretty excited about the party.

We had to rehearse price giving for a while in the Lecture Hall with Pn Mas and Pn Mazni. We had to pretend that there are VIP’s standing on the stage so we still had to practice shaking hands with them but since the actual VIP’s weren’t there, we had to shake hands with air. So it was pretty hilarious.

Today we practically stayed in the Lecture Hall throughout the school hours trying to put and create a video together for our “Jamuan Perpisahan” which is Prom. It was quite frustrating trying to figure out how to cut and put clips together to create a movie but all in all, it was pretty boring in there. Sharmila brought some Muruku(is that how you spell it?) to school for us to snack on but other than that, nothing much really happened. But it was cool that we get to skip classes. The first period yesterday was Science and I was damned freakin’ determined on not seeing or studying with Pn Mas at all. Not that I hate her or anything but…..she’s a SHE-DEMON!
Okay, so yeah. I guess I hate her.

Anyway, when it reached 3:00pm, we were pretty much rushing to the school cafeteria cause we heard that Pn Mas was angry about us being late. I was quite pissed off a bit about that. When we got there, we saw all the girl scouts lining up in two lines forming some kind of pathway for the seniors to walk down on. The table were full of food. There were two boxes of KFC, french fries, chips and sodas, of course.
But the one that surprised me the most was a box of multi-coloured cupcakes!

O.H M.Y G.O.S.H!!

The cupcakes were decorated with all kinds of colours and creams. Some of them even had words or letters written on it. It was so pretty and the cutest things EVER!

Look!

(Yea, "Respect" the cupcake man!)

(Pwetty pwetty pwetty~)

Honestly, they were too pretty for me to eat so I brought it back and kept it in my refrigerator until I feel that it’s okay to eat it but right now….

I SHALL NOT EAT IT!
It’s too pwetty~

But all in all, it was a great party. We all sat down together and ate KFC while we talked about the good old days in Sri Inai. Honestly, it’s not the school that I will miss. It will be YOU guys. All my friends because you guys were the ones who made my school year in Sri Inai really fun. It was the best party I’ve ever had because we were all together but it was also the saddest because I’m going to miss my friends when I leave Sri Inai.

To those who have prepared the party for us, I would like to just say…

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I love you all.

Save "My" Soul

2008-10-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

I'm such a bad person. No, I'm a horrible person. How could I do that? How could I? Is it wrong to want something? Is it wrong for someone like me to have a happy ending? Do I even deserve a happy ending?

I'm a broken crystal glass.

Unwanted.

I've gone through life and I have never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I've never felt like I was truly loved by anyone. Why am I greedy? Can someone like me want something more to life than this? I never really understood the word "love" because I have never felt it. Not from my family, friends or anyone else in this world. I've been in so many relationships searching for that feeling. I've been hurt so many times to the point where I was going to give up. I thought that I would never ever find the word love and experience it myself.What is wrong for me to want a little happiness in my life?

To feel wanted. To feel loved.

The thing about life is that it's cruel to you. When you thought you finally get a break, life comes back and stabs you again.

Why?

I've always felt so alone and so......empty.
So many lies. So much pain and misery.
So much hate.

How can I trust anyone anymore?

Everything felt so cold. Everything was so dark and clouded. I couldn't see where I was going, I forgot where I was going and I don't know where I am going. It felt like everything was finally going to fall apart.

I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S....S.O.S....."

"Somebody......anybody......save me......"

"S.O.S......"

No one came.

Then, a small light of hope came to me and pushed everything away. My pain, loneliness and hatred faded in an instant. The light filled up my heart making me feel the warmest I have ever felt in my life. It gave me a sense of belonging in this world. Healing my wounds. For once in my life, I felt whole. The light never left my side. It was always there guiding me through life and cared for me. I too, cared for it. The light was like my personal sun. Lighting the way for me whenever I was lost, it encourages me when I had given up hope and comforts me whenever I was in pain. And most importantly, the light pulled me out of the depth of darkness that I fell into and gave me hope. Life was bearable again. I trusted my light.

My hope. My sun.

I thought life had given me another chance. A chance to be happy for once in my life. To have my very own happy ending.
But....I had forgotten how cruel life can be. From the moment I felt alive, life took my light away!

My sun........My light of hope was gone.

Everything came crashing down once again leaving me bleeding alone in the darkness. Everything was so dark. It was so very cold. Life was once again unbearable.

It was too much!
The pain..... I couldn't bear it anymore. Just when I was about to tear my heart out to end the pain, it came back. My light of hope. Just when I thought things were going to get better, something horrible happened. My light of hope said that it couldn't stay with me. It found someone who needed it more than I do.Someone that "he" loved.There and there I felt as if my heart had stopped beating.

"Why? Why? Why won't you stay? Am I not good enough? Why her? I love you more than she ever will. So why won't you stay? Isn't my love good enough? Please don't leave me...."

I did all I could for him to stay with me.
Anything.
Whatever it took.

I was so cruel to him. Forcing him to stay with me. Forcing him to love me. I realize what I was doing is affecting him badly but I didn't want him to leave me. I don't want to go back to that horrible pain ever again. I want to know how it feels like to be loved. So I kept on going. I was so blinded by my own greed that I didn't see how much pain I was causing him.
My light...My sun...it was dying out. I could see that I couldn't have him. He needed that "person" more than I needed him.

So......I said goodbye to him.
Even though my heart ached with every beat but I knew that we were never meant to be. I finally saw the truth. I didn't want to leave him but I knew I had to. He meant too much to me that his happiness is more important than my greed. He gave me light and now I should give some back.

Once again, I was left in the darkness.
An empty broken crystal glass.
Unwanted and unloved.

Again, I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S.......S.O.S......."

"Please.....won't anyone save me?"

"S.O.S!"

"Please...."

No one came and no one ever will.

S.O.S

2008-10-18T05:08:00.000-07:00

A tear lost in the ocean,
One can cry a river and others a sea,
A loud scream in the air,
If it was for help, would you care?

Things flicker in and out instants,
Leaving behind past memories,
Thine shadow or your former glory,
And who's left behind but me.

Like dust in the air,
Or the winds of the past,
Even at a morning funeral,
Am I thus truly invisible?

Like the dead gone and past,
So easily forgotten,
Washed away by water,
My existences in this world don’t matter.

Blinded by the white light,
Muffled by my own screams,
Could someone set me free?
Won’t anyone save me?

Shadowy figures stood and walked by,
There was laughter and something sharp inside,
Dark and evil faces lit up with glee,
Stop! Stop! Stop hurting me.

An aching pain with every beat,
The beat of my heart slowly fading away,
S.O.S…S.O.S…won’t you please,
Please someone, anyone rescue me.

S.O.S…S.O.S...S.O.S,
But no help came to the sounds of my screams,
No words of encouragement or a key,
No one came for poor pathetic little old me.

Written by Me on 8/9/2008.

Cinderella

2008-10-18T02:59:00.000-07:00

I’m Cinderella without my glass shoe,

Finding no perfection in whatever I do,

I know now that I’m such a fool,

For ever believing in you.

Perfect golden hair like the sunny day,

Oh how perfect you are in everyway,

Those words I hear from far away,

Lies inside the forest and there you lay .

Beautiful blue eyes like the deep blue sea,

Finding glory in whatever her eyes see,

But now all is left are tears of the sea,

With nothing left but a broken in me.

The feeling of utter happiness,

With every touch of your gentle kisses,

Was now nothing but empty places,

And broken promises.

No poison apple or little bald men,

No evil queen or diamond den,

Just a prince with roses at hand,

But left me bleeding at the very end.

My friend is apathy,

Her company keeps me happy,

But still I feel so empty,

Only my screams and tears are left in me.

Like summer making the winter amends,

Flowers and spring befriend,

Tell me if I can comprehend,

Where is my happy end?

Written by Me on 20/8/2008.