Save "My" Soul

I'm such a bad person. No, I'm a horrible person. How could I do that? How could I? Is it wrong to want something? Is it wrong for someone like me to have a happy ending? Do I even deserve a happy ending?

I'm a broken crystal glass.

Unwanted.

I've gone through life and I have never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I've never felt like I was truly loved by anyone. Why am I greedy? Can someone like me want something more to life than this? I never really understood the word "love" because I have never felt it. Not from my family, friends or anyone else in this world. I've been in so many relationships searching for that feeling. I've been hurt so many times to the point where I was going to give up. I thought that I would never ever find the word love and experience it myself.What is wrong for me to want a little happiness in my life?

To feel wanted. To feel loved.

The thing about life is that it's cruel to you. When you thought you finally get a break, life comes back and stabs you again.

Why?

I've always felt so alone and so......empty.
So many lies. So much pain and misery.
So much hate.

How can I trust anyone anymore?

Everything felt so cold. Everything was so dark and clouded. I couldn't see where I was going, I forgot where I was going and I don't know where I am going. It felt like everything was finally going to fall apart.


I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S....S.O.S....."

"Somebody......anybody......save me......"

"S.O.S......"

No one came.

Then, a small light of hope came to me and pushed everything away. My pain, loneliness and hatred faded in an instant. The light filled up my heart making me feel the warmest I have ever felt in my life. It gave me a sense of belonging in this world. Healing my wounds. For once in my life, I felt whole. The light never left my side. It was always there guiding me through life and cared for me. I too, cared for it. The light was like my personal sun. Lighting the way for me whenever I was lost, it encourages me when I had given up hope and comforts me whenever I was in pain. And most importantly, the light pulled me out of the depth of darkness that I fell into and gave me hope. Life was bearable again. I trusted my light.

My hope. My sun.

I thought life had given me another chance. A chance to be happy for once in my life. To have my very own happy ending.
But....I had forgotten how cruel life can be. From the moment I felt alive, life took my light away!

My sun........My light of hope was gone.

Everything came crashing down once again leaving me bleeding alone in the darkness. Everything was so dark. It was so very cold. Life was once again unbearable.

It was too much!
The pain..... I couldn't bear it anymore. Just when I was about to tear my heart out to end the pain, it came back. My light of hope. Just when I thought things were going to get better, something horrible happened. My light of hope said that it couldn't stay with me. It found someone who needed it more than I do.Someone that "he" loved.There and there I felt as if my heart had stopped beating.

"Why? Why? Why won't you stay? Am I not good enough? Why her? I love you more than she ever will. So why won't you stay? Isn't my love good enough? Please don't leave me...."

I did all I could for him to stay with me.
Anything.
Whatever it took.

I was so cruel to him. Forcing him to stay with me. Forcing him to love me. I realize what I was doing is affecting him badly but I didn't want him to leave me. I don't want to go back to that horrible pain ever again. I want to know how it feels like to be loved. So I kept on going. I was so blinded by my own greed that I didn't see how much pain I was causing him.
My light...My sun...it was dying out. I could see that I couldn't have him. He needed that "person" more than I needed him.

So......I said goodbye to him.
Even though my heart ached with every beat but I knew that we were never meant to be. I finally saw the truth. I didn't want to leave him but I knew I had to. He meant too much to me that his happiness is more important than my greed. He gave me light and now I should give some back.

Once again, I was left in the darkness.
An empty broken crystal glass.
Unwanted and unloved.

Again, I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S.......S.O.S......."

"Please.....won't anyone save me?"

"S.O.S!"

"Please...."

No one came and no one ever will.