I'm just that pathetic.

Okay, so I'll tell you guys something completely random and yet something that is very important about me. I don't know if you guys think it's important but whatever. I'm just gonna tell you so, shut up and read. Or just press the bloody 'x' button cause frankly I don't give two shits about what you people think, alright?

So here's the deal.
I'm sick of relationships. Yes, I am completely tired of them.
They have done nothing to me but left me heart broken in the end. Yea yea, we heard all the crap that love is hard and that you have to go through a few bad relationships to find 'The One'. But frankly, I think I've got enough disappoiment and heart ache to last me a life time. So supposedly, I'm on a relationship break right now to clear my head and just have some fun being single. That's what I've been telling my friends and myself, time and time again. But the truth is, I want to be desperately and hopelessly in love with someone. Yes, I know. I'm so goddamned pathetic but that is the cold hard truth. I've only realized it about two days ago.

How?

Well, most of my friends right now are in relationships. No, seriously. I think about 91% of my friends have a special someone with them right now. And I don't know why but I get really jealous when my friends are hanging out with me and then their boyfriend/girlfriend calls them. Then they start talking all lovey-dovey right next to me and I'll just be standing there with my hands across my chest and rolling my eyes at every "I love you more" that comes out after every each sentence. Yea, I know I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but how can I not when my friends are like standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Oh and I get really pissed off when my friends tell me stories or something about their special partner to me. It's like "Bitch, I don't care" but you don't say that cause that would be mean. So I just sit there and smile. Not to say pissed off about it exactly, but just irritated. Why? Because I get really frustrated that they're so happy being in love and I hate the fact that I DON'T HAVE A SPECIAL SOMEONE! It just kills me. I know I should be happy for my friends but the sad truth is, I hate it. I hate seeing them so happy and so in love while I'm just miserably trying to pretend that I'm happy being single when I'm actually not.

I'm like everybody else.
I want to be loved by a special someone.
To be held and to be loved by him.
I wanna hear him say 'I love you' and mean it with all his heart.

It's true that I am sick of relationships because I've been lied to, used and cheated on way too many times to mention. I don't know how many times and how much I've cried over a boy. It's my own fault because I wear my heart on my sleeve and people tend to take advantage of that.

When I go out, I see couples walk hand in hand with each other with their faces lit with such joy and serenity that it makes me envious and jealous of them at the same time. Watching all this sappy love stories makes me wonder if I'll ever find Mr Right who would love me so much like the characters in those movies.

It's so wonderful and so frustrating to be in love.
So I want to be in love but I don't want to be in love at the same time.
But I think I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I'm confused cause I lie to myself all the time. So laugh at me all you want. You guys can just freakin shove your fucked up faces up your ass cause really, I don't care.