My thanks and loves.

SPM is over and I don’t know how I feel right now.

I don’t feel ‘free’ as some people might be after SPM. I mean, we have struggled for five long years to prepare ourselves for this moment and waiting until you’re free from high school but…I feel somewhat sad, really.

Sri Inai is closing down but oddly, I’m not sad about it.
Everyone else was crying but I didn’t. Yes, it sounds like I don’t have a heart but it wasn’t the school that I will miss. Sure, Sri Inai changed me but not entirely.

When my mum first offered to send me to Sekolah Sri Inai Kuala Lumpur at Ulu Klang, I was a little scared. I admit it because I will be entering a whole different atmosphere with it being a private school and all.
I was reluctant at first of course, because I was afraid of having to start all over again. I was so afraid that I would become invisible and being thrown as an outcast.
Trust me; it happens quite frequently in my life.

My first day, I was so nervous and I was so scared.
But then I found, you guys.

Ashley, Aween, Nick, Nissa and Roslyn.

Even though we didn’t get along so much at first but you guys have been with me for five years straight in that school. You made my time in Sri Inai worth it. Even though the school is shutting down, I have absolutely no regrets.
I had so much fun with you guys.

Ashley
Even though you might be a little bitchy, but I couldn’t ask for a better friend than you.
You’re beautiful and one of the nicest people I have ever met.
Don’t ever change because I love you just the way you are, m’dear.

Aween
Bubbly little Winnie the Pooh.
Even if we didn’t click so much in the beginning but in the end you ended up becoming one of the closest friend I have.
You’re wacky and creative ways got me hooked on you.
You put colour into my life and I will always treasure our memories together.

Nick

We use to be the worst of enemies and I hated you so much for calling me names.
You bullied me constantly but look at us now!
Best of friends.
You’re the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for.
I forgive you for all the bad things you did to me in the past because a friend like you, I don’t ever want to lose.

Nissa
The weird chicken clucking and blow fish lip girl.
You have one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard. You’re a lady in every way and you have the beauty that men go crazy for to match it.
Every boy on Earth is envious of me and why?

Because I have you and they don’t.

Roslyn
Ah….my little bubbly shortcake.
You make everyone smile by just entering the room.
You add sugar and spice into my life. You make everything sound so exciting that I could talk with you for hours.
You’re one of my dearest friends and I will always want to keep you close to me.

Every one you have made such an impact and difference in my life. I’m so thankful to have met all five of you because you’ve all given me so much even by just doing little things like hugging me or sending me text messages.

I have been an outcast and a freak all my life but you guys made me fit in. You guys accepted me for who I am. You’ve changed me so much and I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for you guys. I feel so lucky and blessed to have met all of you.

I'll miss every single one of you.

You guys will always remain in my heart and memory.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
Always and forever.

The Concept on Vampires

What exactly are 'Vampires'?

Well, I find the concept of vampires interesting because of how they traded their lives in return for immortality from the Devil.
But to obtain that immortality they have to drink blood from the mortals. I like the fact how the Devil have twisted the mortal's greed for ultimate power and life towards his advantage. It makes the Devil's job a lot easier.

And yes, I would like to be turned into a vampire.
You may think it’s odd or morbid of me to want something like that but I can assure you that’s it's not for the beauty that some of you fictionalize about vampires.
I want to see and feel what's it's like to live forever.
I know drinking the blood of the innocent is wrong but I want to live to see what the world have become in the near future and how much things have changed.

And after all...

Wisdom comes with Age.

I won't be proud however, for all the bad deeds that I will cause but I'm willing to go through it all. I also want to have the power to rid the world of wrong doers and purify all evil that has been growing vigorously after all these years.
The world of governments and politics disgusts me because they are the reason why the world have become so corrupted and they will be the reason for humanity’s downfall.
I would be amazed and shocked if I were to see a vampire. Of course it's only natural that I would feel fear towards them but I want to understand their world better.
I want to know of their history.
Why and how they came to be.
It interests me and I want to know more.

We should not limit our mind and thoughts from what information or truth that the world may hold for us. To let one be so open to such truth is how we can obtain true wisdom and understanding.

I loathe the fact that most people think that vampires are beautiful creatures with such godly features that one could almost say that even the Gods are envious of them.

Ridiculous!

How can you fictionalize something that you have not even seen visually yourself and feed a pack full of lies to other people about something that haven’t even been proven yet?
The ‘Twilight Series’ has made vague image of how vampires may look like but why must it be to the point where they are so breath taking that even the light from the sun bounces off their chest as to equivalent to their so called ‘Angelic’ features.

I have nothing against the Twilight Series, of course.
It’s one of the best books that I’ve read so far but I feel that I must express my views on how ridiculous Stephenie Meyer made vampires look like.
Vampires are condemned mortal’s that have given their lives to the devil in trade for immortality to satisfying their never ending greed for power.
They kill, drink blood and probably have one of the most manipulative minds to seduce their prey into succumbing, and bending their prey to their every pleasurable yet terrifying will.

Some say they are fallen angels but are you sure they are not demons?

It sickens me how the truth about vampires have been twisted by others into something that is completely delusional and ridiculous.

My concept on a vampire's appearances however, are quite blur. I would love to find that information out myself. But I suppose, that will only happen in my dreams.

But that's alright.

It keeps me guessing and wondering about the mysteries of this world.

What is the truth and what is fictional?

What is right and what is wrong?

Who knows?

It always remains a mystery.

Great Day

Oh my god!

The girl scouts group threw the Form 5’s a farewell party yesterday!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…!!
I feel so happy right now that I wanna jump up and down, and SCREAM!

So, yesterday morning only six of us came to school which were me, Roslyn, Ashley, Sharmila, Aween and Nabila. Well, we have a very small class.

It’s sad, I know.

After the school’s assembly, Dayang gave out invitations to the six of us saying that there will be a farewell party held in the school cafeteria at 3.00pm.

And, oh my god!

You know what?

The invitation cards were handmade!
Honestly, they were the sweetest things ever.

Here are pictures of mine.

(Yea, I was invited!)

(Geez...people still call me that.)

Alright.
So I was pretty excited about the party.

We had to rehearse price giving for a while in the Lecture Hall with Pn Mas and Pn Mazni. We had to pretend that there are VIP’s standing on the stage so we still had to practice shaking hands with them but since the actual VIP’s weren’t there, we had to shake hands with air. So it was pretty hilarious.

Today we practically stayed in the Lecture Hall throughout the school hours trying to put and create a video together for our “Jamuan Perpisahan” which is Prom. It was quite frustrating trying to figure out how to cut and put clips together to create a movie but all in all, it was pretty boring in there. Sharmila brought some Muruku(is that how you spell it?) to school for us to snack on but other than that, nothing much really happened. But it was cool that we get to skip classes. The first period yesterday was Science and I was damned freakin’ determined on not seeing or studying with Pn Mas at all. Not that I hate her or anything but…..she’s a SHE-DEMON!
Okay, so yeah. I guess I hate her.

Anyway, when it reached 3:00pm, we were pretty much rushing to the school cafeteria cause we heard that Pn Mas was angry about us being late. I was quite pissed off a bit about that. When we got there, we saw all the girl scouts lining up in two lines forming some kind of pathway for the seniors to walk down on. The table were full of food. There were two boxes of KFC, french fries, chips and sodas, of course.
But the one that surprised me the most was a box of multi-coloured cupcakes!

O.H M.Y G.O.S.H!!

The cupcakes were decorated with all kinds of colours and creams. Some of them even had words or letters written on it. It was so pretty and the cutest things EVER!

Look!

(Yea, "Respect" the cupcake man!)

(Pwetty pwetty pwetty~)

Honestly, they were too pretty for me to eat so I brought it back and kept it in my refrigerator until I feel that it’s okay to eat it but right now….

I SHALL NOT EAT IT!
It’s too pwetty~

But all in all, it was a great party. We all sat down together and ate KFC while we talked about the good old days in Sri Inai. Honestly, it’s not the school that I will miss. It will be YOU guys. All my friends because you guys were the ones who made my school year in Sri Inai really fun. It was the best party I’ve ever had because we were all together but it was also the saddest because I’m going to miss my friends when I leave Sri Inai.

To those who have prepared the party for us, I would like to just say…

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I love you all.

Save "My" Soul

I'm such a bad person. No, I'm a horrible person. How could I do that? How could I? Is it wrong to want something? Is it wrong for someone like me to have a happy ending? Do I even deserve a happy ending?

I'm a broken crystal glass.

Unwanted.

I've gone through life and I have never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. I've never felt like I was truly loved by anyone. Why am I greedy? Can someone like me want something more to life than this? I never really understood the word "love" because I have never felt it. Not from my family, friends or anyone else in this world. I've been in so many relationships searching for that feeling. I've been hurt so many times to the point where I was going to give up. I thought that I would never ever find the word love and experience it myself.What is wrong for me to want a little happiness in my life?

To feel wanted. To feel loved.

The thing about life is that it's cruel to you. When you thought you finally get a break, life comes back and stabs you again.

Why?

I've always felt so alone and so......empty.
So many lies. So much pain and misery.
So much hate.

How can I trust anyone anymore?

Everything felt so cold. Everything was so dark and clouded. I couldn't see where I was going, I forgot where I was going and I don't know where I am going. It felt like everything was finally going to fall apart.


I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S....S.O.S....."

"Somebody......anybody......save me......"

"S.O.S......"

No one came.

Then, a small light of hope came to me and pushed everything away. My pain, loneliness and hatred faded in an instant. The light filled up my heart making me feel the warmest I have ever felt in my life. It gave me a sense of belonging in this world. Healing my wounds. For once in my life, I felt whole. The light never left my side. It was always there guiding me through life and cared for me. I too, cared for it. The light was like my personal sun. Lighting the way for me whenever I was lost, it encourages me when I had given up hope and comforts me whenever I was in pain. And most importantly, the light pulled me out of the depth of darkness that I fell into and gave me hope. Life was bearable again. I trusted my light.

My hope. My sun.

I thought life had given me another chance. A chance to be happy for once in my life. To have my very own happy ending.
But....I had forgotten how cruel life can be. From the moment I felt alive, life took my light away!

My sun........My light of hope was gone.

Everything came crashing down once again leaving me bleeding alone in the darkness. Everything was so dark. It was so very cold. Life was once again unbearable.

It was too much!
The pain..... I couldn't bear it anymore. Just when I was about to tear my heart out to end the pain, it came back. My light of hope. Just when I thought things were going to get better, something horrible happened. My light of hope said that it couldn't stay with me. It found someone who needed it more than I do.Someone that "he" loved.There and there I felt as if my heart had stopped beating.

"Why? Why? Why won't you stay? Am I not good enough? Why her? I love you more than she ever will. So why won't you stay? Isn't my love good enough? Please don't leave me...."

I did all I could for him to stay with me.
Anything.
Whatever it took.

I was so cruel to him. Forcing him to stay with me. Forcing him to love me. I realize what I was doing is affecting him badly but I didn't want him to leave me. I don't want to go back to that horrible pain ever again. I want to know how it feels like to be loved. So I kept on going. I was so blinded by my own greed that I didn't see how much pain I was causing him.
My light...My sun...it was dying out. I could see that I couldn't have him. He needed that "person" more than I needed him.

So......I said goodbye to him.
Even though my heart ached with every beat but I knew that we were never meant to be. I finally saw the truth. I didn't want to leave him but I knew I had to. He meant too much to me that his happiness is more important than my greed. He gave me light and now I should give some back.

Once again, I was left in the darkness.
An empty broken crystal glass.
Unwanted and unloved.

Again, I cried out from the darkness.

"S.O.S.......S.O.S......."

"Please.....won't anyone save me?"

"S.O.S!"

"Please...."

No one came and no one ever will.

S.O.S

A tear lost in the ocean,
One can cry a river and others a sea,
A loud scream in the air,
If it was for help, would you care?

Things flicker in and out instants,
Leaving behind past memories,
Thine shadow or your former glory,
And who's left behind but me.

Like dust in the air,
Or the winds of the past,
Even at a morning funeral,
Am I thus truly invisible?

Like the dead gone and past,
So easily forgotten,
Washed away by water,
My existences in this world don’t matter.

Blinded by the white light,
Muffled by my own screams,
Could someone set me free?
Won’t anyone save me?

Shadowy figures stood and walked by,
There was laughter and something sharp inside,
Dark and evil faces lit up with glee,
Stop! Stop! Stop hurting me.

An aching pain with every beat,
The beat of my heart slowly fading away,
S.O.S…S.O.S…won’t you please,
Please someone, anyone rescue me.

S.O.S…S.O.S...S.O.S,
But no help came to the sounds of my screams,
No words of encouragement or a key,
No one came for poor pathetic little old me.


Written by Me on 8/9/2008.

Cinderella

I’m Cinderella without my glass shoe,

Finding no perfection in whatever I do,

I know now that I’m such a fool,

For ever believing in you.

Perfect golden hair like the sunny day,

Oh how perfect you are in everyway,

Those words I hear from far away,

Lies inside the forest and there you lay .

Beautiful blue eyes like the deep blue sea,

Finding glory in whatever her eyes see,

But now all is left are tears of the sea,

With nothing left but a broken in me.

The feeling of utter happiness,

With every touch of your gentle kisses,

Was now nothing but empty places,

And broken promises.

No poison apple or little bald men,

No evil queen or diamond den,

Just a prince with roses at hand,

But left me bleeding at the very end.

My friend is apathy,

Her company keeps me happy,

But still I feel so empty,

Only my screams and tears are left in me.

Like summer making the winter amends,

Flowers and spring befriend,

Tell me if I can comprehend,

Where is my happy end?

Written by Me on 20/8/2008.