Am I just a charity case...?

Am I just a charity case...?

Am I just a joke?

A thing...a toy for people to laugh at?

I want to believe so much that there is some good left in this world. That someone out there would actually love me for who I am and would look pass on what I am. I've been played, used and lied to so many times. But isn't it the same for everyone? Shouldn't we suffer a little for a greater happiness in the future?
Is it wrong for me to want to feel happy?

Stop trying to tell me the things I already know.
I know I'm an eyesore and that no one will probably want me and that I may one day live alone or even die young. But for a second of my miserable and hated life, can I not feel happy? Let me live while I still have the chance to. I don't need your hurtful words on the truth that I already know. Let me be happy even if it doesn't lasts. I just want to be happy even if it means I live a lie because I know dreams are much better than reality and in that dream I can live without tears.
Can't you just accept that?

Can't anyone just accept me for who I am?
Am I not enough of a decent person? Am I not friendly enough or nice enough? Am I not beautiful enough? Words can hurt me when they are the same words that have been repeated over and over again throughout my entire life.

"You're fat and ugly."

Is it so wrong to be who I am? Is it so wrong to be what I am?
Am I that much of an eyesore and a burden to this world?
Playing jokes on me and toy with my feelings then telling me I'm not worth anything.
Why?
Why do this to me?
What have I ever done to anyone or the world to deserve this kind of treatment from the world?
Passing judgement on me based on my weight and my looks when they know nothing about me. Push me around, tease me and hate on me when I've done nothing wrong. Taking pleasure in my tears, suffering and solitude as a source of entertainment when all I've done is be who I am.

"How am I suppose to believe I'm worth something when I'm told 50 different times a day that I'm not?"

Rant rant rant and cursings...

Okay, so I'm gonna rant on some pointless shit that you guys don't probably care about but I don't give a shit cause this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. So shut up and read.

Alright.

As you all know, I'm currently studying in Sunway College and also staying in a hostel called Sun-U residence. Everything has been going pretty great. I made friends and classes are hard but I'm surviving. But that's not what I want to rant about today. I'm going to freaking tell you guys how many fucking times I got called EMO here. Yea, I got called bloody emo pretty much every single day I'm here. Even on the week of my orientation I got a few people coming up to me and just flat out ask me, "Are you emo?" then I would respond with "No..." and then they would say "Well, you look pretty emo to me..". I simply didn't really give a fuck about that but there was one time that when I passed this group of boys they laughed at me. Naturally I would avoid conflict but I was already frustrated enough that day. So I turned to them and ask what was their problem with me. And they responded with "Do you have a razor blade? Do you cut yourself emo girl, huh?" and laughed. Oh come on! That's a little immature, don't ya think? A little pathetic even.

Okay you ignorant motherfuckers.
Listen to me.
Emo is not a word, alright?
If you guys are smart fuckers you would know that there's no such word. It doesn't even exist in the bloody dictionary, alright? So it's not a word. I know 'emotional' and the bird 'emu'. Even if you wanna use the term 'emo' don't use it to label someone's dress code, you losers. Just because people like dark make-up and likes a certain type of hairstyle and clothes, it doesn't necessarily make one an 'emo'. I think that emo is more suitable for people who are very emotional even then it needs to be categorized and said the right way where it makes sense. Like when your friend is acting suicidal you can say that person is an emo because she is being emotional, okay? But here, I get constantly abused with the word emo on a daily basis because of the way I dress and look.

HELLO!
Emo is not a fashion sense you dimwitted bimbos!
It's just a label that people use to stereotype people into a certain group. For example preps, jocks and nerds. Those are commonly used terms to stereotype people. Instead of making a hasty generalization, why don't you twits understand the word properly first and think about it before saying it which might still make you look like a complete idiot in the end anyway because you're just being stupidly rude. So get this through you're ridiculously thick and empty skulls, okay?

I'M NOT EMO!
Understand it. Memorize it. Motherfucking eat it, you assholes.

Okay, enough about that.
Here's a recent shot of me in my hostel room.



I know you can't see much of the room but that's pretty much my side of the room. Oh yea and you guys can see my new hair! Well, not really but basically I've taken out my extensions and cut it short with bangs over my eyes sweeping right.
And yes, I have a room mate.
Alright. That's all, ya'll.
Catch ya cool cats latuhzz!!

HELP ME & HELP THE ELEPHANTS!!

Ohmygod!
Guys if you love me please read this and sign it.
Help out the elephants.
If you do it I'll love forever and EVER! (maaaaaybe ;p)

https://secure.peta.org/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=2359

CLICK IT AND HELP THESE POOR CREATURES!

La La updates! And lip piercings?

It's seems like forever since I made an update but really, it hasn't been forever has it? I have absolutely no idea why you weirdos like to even come here and read about my ridiculously-boring updates on my life. But to satisfy you're never ending requests, here's an update for you guys.

Okay, so as all of you know, I changed my hair(so maybe not all of you if you don't have my myspace). Again.

Yes people!
Since I'm done with highschool, I can do whatever the shit I want with my hair and no one can say anything about it. So, HAH!

Thinking about redying my whole hair red and my bags blue but still can't find the hair dye. Yes, I want to dye it myself. Ya know, in shops they never sell any other hair dye colour except for natural colours. It's driving me insane trying to find the colours of the rainbow. Yes, people. Don't be shocked if one day you see me with rainbow hair. Like the skittles says, TASTE THE RAINBOW! Oh yea, and can anyone tell me where to find bleach. I wanna bleach my hair myself cause doing it in salons cost a load of cash and I'm all about saving now cause of my family's financial crisis at the moment. It's all about "Doing it myself" now! Wooo!

Oh and I'm also thinking about getting the left side of my lower lip pierced/snake bites. Write a comment or whatever telling me which one is better. Oh and maybe try and help me to figure out how to hide it from my parents too.

So yea, that's all.
I have classes to get to.
TOODLE LOO!

Busy busy busy...!

Alright guys, I'm in college now and classes have already started.
I've already moved into my college hostel which is Sun-U residence and I'll be staying there for 8-10months according to my course.
I'll only be coming back on the weekends and I don't have internet connection up in my hostel room. Right now I'm using the library computer but I can't stay long. So, there will be less updates from me because I'll be pretty busy with college assignments, classes and exams.
So please don't bug me for updates.
If I have time I'll make one.
For those who want to know how I am doing or what I'm up to, then just text me alright. You guys have my number and you can find out what I'm up to 24/7 if you wanted to.
Okay, that's all!
See you guys soon~

So here it is...

Okay so this is so people would motherfucking stop asking me because it gets kind of annoying.
So listen people.
I will be entering college on the 6th July and I will be doing a course called Monash University Foundation year in Sunway college.
It's a 8-10months long course considering if I pass all my subjects.
I haven't gotten a hostel yet because the hostel I wanted haven't got any rooms available yet but I am on they're waiting list. However, I will have to drive back and forth from my house to college until then which is such a bother because it's an hour drive and that doesn't include for when there is traffic.
If you want more information on my course, go here (http://www.sunway.edu.my/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=679&Itemid=552&lang=iso-8859-1).
It really kind of annoys me that people keep asking me constantly about it.
And for those who I have already told to, there's your answer, again.
So yea.

Wish me luck guys!

Why is that...?

Why is that every minute of every hour of every day, my thoughts are filled with you?
Why is that when you're away I keep hearing your voice calling my name?
Why is that everywhere I look, I see your face as clear as day in my mind filling my heart with longing for you?
Why is that I fall deeper and deeper in love with you when I know I can't have you?
Why is that when I know the consequences of falling for you and heartbreak I will go through, I still want to be with you?
But everytime I try to stop myself those simple words that you keep telling me would ring loudly in my head.

"You are beautiful."

Those three simple words have gotten me spellbound to you.
Why is that...?

We'll love you forever and ever.

Even though you were very energetic that tire us to the bone, seeking attention from each and every one of us you were nothing more than precious to us.

Your F1 engine purring each time you lunge at a non moving object and hit the wall, made us laugh continuously which made us love you even more.

When you knock over things and scratch our skin then stare at us with those big round yellow eyes of yours made us think how adorable you are and the anger would fade away.

When we took care of you when you were sick and you looked at us with those painful eyes made us cry and our hearts ached for you.

Your white and orange coat warm against my skin when we slept on the floor of the karaoke room together as I hear you purring while you slept made me smile with compassion and nothing but love for you.

Rest.In.Peace

My dear beautiful, Landi.

Sleep well in the heavens above where the Ligth would always welcome you in its warm embrace. But please remember how much me and all of us loved you until the very end. Never will I forget the love you gave us and in heaven you rest, wait for me.

Because one day, I know I will see you again.

I love you, Landi. Forever.

And I'm back!

Hey guys!
My internet is back on in my house and sorry for the delays in my update.
I'm gonna make this post short and today's post is about....



...this boy right here. Isn't he gorgeous?

No.
He's not from some famous band or a singer or actor or whatever.
I actually know him.
Yes, ladies an gentlemen.
I know this boy and he's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me because for once in my life, I actually feel beautiful. He's so awesome and he doesn't even know it. Even though we'll never be together but he's the most important person in my life. All I can say is that, I have hopelessly fallen for him.

THE END!

Internet Crisis!

Sorry guys but I won't be abole to update every week because due to a lightning storm that hit my neighbourhood has caused some damages to my internet connection at home.
We have tried calling several computer shops to come over and have a look but there's nothing wrong with my computer instead it was the phone line. My parents have contacted the Telekom but so far they haven't gotten back to us yet.
I apologize to all my readers for not updating.
Until I get my internet back up at home I'll have more time for updates.
Currently, I've been using the computer at my dad's office but I haven't been able to stay online for very long.



Sorry guys.
I'll see you soon!

Timeless Loneliness

I seek sanctuary.

From what?

Myself.

Everyone is in danger with themselves. Everyone is at war with themselves as they fight for the right to be who they are. But really, ask yourselves right now.

Who are you?

There is a saying that says "Who knows you better in this world then yourself" , but do you really? Do you really know who you are? When you stare at yourself in the mirror, is that person inside of the glass staring back is you? To comprehend who you are and to understand what you've become is two different things. Have you once, tried being someone else? I'm sure everyone does because we are the imperfect whos trying to be perfect. But, have you gone to the point where you no longer know who you are? To not know who you are is like disappearing from the world, painfully slow. When you yourself don't know who you are, how can anyone else know you?

They don't.

So, I just wanna make something clear to each and every one of you.
You don't know me. How can you when I don't even know who I am? Sure, I'm nice to everyone I meet and if you think I'm warming up to you then you're wrong. DEAD WRONG. Don't even try to get to know me because I have a way of disappointing people so you'd just be wasting your time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you all should stay away from me. I'm just saying don't try to understand me if you don't want to be dragged into this malevolent chaotic yet empty world of mine.

I'm your friend, yes. But are you mine? You are? Really? What do you know about me? What do you understand about me? Ask yourself that.

P/S: Don't take what I said personally. I was just bored.

Lookie look!

Okay, so here's a picture of my hair again.
It isn't exactly clear but I think it's clearer than the previous one.
Full view of my extensions and brand new hoodie too.

I'm just that pathetic.

Okay, so I'll tell you guys something completely random and yet something that is very important about me. I don't know if you guys think it's important but whatever. I'm just gonna tell you so, shut up and read. Or just press the bloody 'x' button cause frankly I don't give two shits about what you people think, alright?

So here's the deal.
I'm sick of relationships. Yes, I am completely tired of them.
They have done nothing to me but left me heart broken in the end. Yea yea, we heard all the crap that love is hard and that you have to go through a few bad relationships to find 'The One'. But frankly, I think I've got enough disappoiment and heart ache to last me a life time. So supposedly, I'm on a relationship break right now to clear my head and just have some fun being single. That's what I've been telling my friends and myself, time and time again. But the truth is, I want to be desperately and hopelessly in love with someone. Yes, I know. I'm so goddamned pathetic but that is the cold hard truth. I've only realized it about two days ago.

How?

Well, most of my friends right now are in relationships. No, seriously. I think about 91% of my friends have a special someone with them right now. And I don't know why but I get really jealous when my friends are hanging out with me and then their boyfriend/girlfriend calls them. Then they start talking all lovey-dovey right next to me and I'll just be standing there with my hands across my chest and rolling my eyes at every "I love you more" that comes out after every each sentence. Yea, I know I shouldn't be listening to their conversation but how can I not when my friends are like standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Oh and I get really pissed off when my friends tell me stories or something about their special partner to me. It's like "Bitch, I don't care" but you don't say that cause that would be mean. So I just sit there and smile. Not to say pissed off about it exactly, but just irritated. Why? Because I get really frustrated that they're so happy being in love and I hate the fact that I DON'T HAVE A SPECIAL SOMEONE! It just kills me. I know I should be happy for my friends but the sad truth is, I hate it. I hate seeing them so happy and so in love while I'm just miserably trying to pretend that I'm happy being single when I'm actually not.

I'm like everybody else.
I want to be loved by a special someone.
To be held and to be loved by him.
I wanna hear him say 'I love you' and mean it with all his heart.

It's true that I am sick of relationships because I've been lied to, used and cheated on way too many times to mention. I don't know how many times and how much I've cried over a boy. It's my own fault because I wear my heart on my sleeve and people tend to take advantage of that.

When I go out, I see couples walk hand in hand with each other with their faces lit with such joy and serenity that it makes me envious and jealous of them at the same time. Watching all this sappy love stories makes me wonder if I'll ever find Mr Right who would love me so much like the characters in those movies.

It's so wonderful and so frustrating to be in love.
So I want to be in love but I don't want to be in love at the same time.
But I think I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I'm confused cause I lie to myself all the time. So laugh at me all you want. You guys can just freakin shove your fucked up faces up your ass cause really, I don't care.

Sorry!

Okay.
Hey guys!
Sorry about not updating lately. It's not because I didn't want to but seriously, nothing exciting ever happens in my life so there isn't really much to tell. My life right now is pretty much very very boring. But people have been bugging me to update this blog so here it is then. I'll try to update more often with the so called 'EXCITING' things that happen in my life okay.

Oh, just an extra info.
I bought hair extensions. Yes. Shocking.
I was just thinking that waiting for my hair to grow back is just way too long and frankly, I'm not as patient as everyone seem to think I am. Well, not about this issue anyway.

So here's a picture of me sporting my new look.



Yea, the pink hair extensions looks really fake, I know.
But the brown base looks real enough. I know this picture isn't clear enough for you guys to see but unfortunately, I lost my samsung flip phone so I bought a new NSeries Nokia phone which has a secondary camera which sucks ass. However, I will try to get a decent picture of me soon.

Well, that's it for now I guess.
See ya guys till the next update!

The Siren

The sound of a siren’s song,
Echoes in the dark of the night,
Silent and soothing flowing in perfect harmony,
Reaching out to the lone and crying.

Silent notes floating in the air,
Taking flight to those who will it,
Numbing their hearts as lifeless dolls,
Entrapping every essence of they’re suffering souls.

There she stands,
Ready to steal your soul,
Be wary for she is not the beauty of the night,
Within lies of the eyes she confide.

Illusions will darken your mind,
Lies in her beauty she manipulates,
Bending and twisting hearts that cry,
Embracing pleasure as they slowly die.

Be fooled not by false beauty,
For if the will is inside there is a way,
Find the light that will fight,
Use the eyes of truth to see which is wrong and right.

If one’s heart is true and just,
There is always hope in the darkest hour,
Defy her lies and look beyond beauty,
There you will see her true identity.

Do not be cruel,
But to instead listen with the heart,
She too cries in despair,
Her heart is broken beyond all repair.

Another victim of failed love,
Still searching and waiting,
As the legends and the folklore,
She await his return on the ocean shore.

Never moving or aging,
Deprived from life and time,
Immortalized by the love that dwells within her,
There she waits patiently forever.

Written by Me on 11/1/2009